What the hell is all that noise…can’t a man get any sleep around here, I thought angrily. I was on the floor next to the bottle of ether and the sweet smell was permeating the air around me from the strainer lying next to my head. My head pounding, I was confused as my nose was caked with crystals…coach was sitting on the bed reading The Atlantic, saying “For the thousandth time it’s time to go”. He exclaimed The Eldorado was waiting out in front of the hotel and he was praising himself for the fact that he had waited until night for us to leave for So Cal. He knew the heat was rough on my constitution, as my coach these were the things I needed help with and thank God he did it well. There was good reason to keep him around.

I arose to fix myself so as to not tip off any of the neuro-typicals in the casino. I was not going into the bathroom again, not falling for that one. I had no control in that place like I did at home. I was able to adjust my tuxedo to the point were everything looked somewhat straight. I needed a new one as soon as I could get it, this one was worn out. I went over to my suitcase and as I was shaking and the bottles rattled…I took my medication from my organizer and noticed that I had missed two days worth. Had I been out for three days, I thought…well it would not be good to triple and catch up because we would be on the road and I did not want to leak out of the car into a puddle in the desert in the middle of the night.

We hurried through the casino to the caddy which I could see parked out in front of the hotel. Thank God for room check out because I could not face anyone in my present condition. Suitcase in the back and coach and I in the front we set of on the 15 to head towards Anaheim. It was so freaking hot, even at midnight, I could barely catch a breath as the air was so hot and dry and we had not even reached the desert yet. There was a warm six pack of Coca Cola on the floor of the front, I opened the sweet nectar and even though it was very warm, there was solace in just wetting my tongue.

I began to think and sometimes that can be a bad thing, but not now as I was comforted by the thoughts that had followed me my whole life. You see I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation but you know how people just have a feeling of what they may have been in another life? Well I had them often and strangely enough I feel as though I was a lifelong patron at an opium den. It was not about the drugs and getting high, for me it was about being in a state of dreaming and neutrality. That is no movement and fully sedated for days on end on a hard wood floor with only a small pillow to elevate my head to the pipe and burner, just in case I woke. The least amount of movement necessary to go back to my dreamlike state. I am instilled with the notion that there are no worries about money or time or responsibility. There is nothing but sleep for weeks and months at a time. There is also no chaos associated with this notion either so I must have had the funds to continue endlessly. No negative association either…I can’t fully grasp it but I imagine it’s like heaven on earth. I also can’t get any orientation as to where in the world I am participating in such a state of sloth.

Oh my God it’s getting so hot…is all I could think about. I can barely breathe, I imagine what it would have been like during the day. I was thankful for that! Next thing you know I start getting pelted in the face and chest with huge cockroaches…WTF!!! What the hell is going on…I could see coach ducking under the front of the windshield as I yelled at him what the hell was happening. He told me this sometimes happens in the desert, he’s heard. It was not cockroaches it was giant grasshoppers…billions of them falling from the sky. I could hear them popping as the tires rolled over them. I think they call these things locusts, you know like in the bible…was the world coming to an end. Coach and I were screaming nonsense back and forth at each other but I did make out him saying that we would make a stop for gas at a tiny glowing station way off in the distance. What a relief, an end to this madness.

We pulled in and although it was lit up there seemed to be no one there, we pumped our gas and I could see these f’ing humongous grasshoppers fall from the sky as we took shelter under the awning. After filling the car we went into the office and there was a man sitting there in AC watching an old black and white television. “Rough night out there. eh boys.” Rough night I thought, what the hell is happening, he could tell I was confused and he looked like he had not seen anyone in days. “Oh the locusts” he said…”Yeah what’s with all the grasshoppers”, I said. He proceeded to explain that every several years this happens. Every several years!!! The night we head through the desert is the one time in several years…what madness. I looked at the temperature gauge outside and it read 130 degrees Fahrenheit at close to one in the morning.

So I guess we should just get in the car and continue on our way as if this was relatively normal. Well we did so and after another half hour of pulling these beasts from my hair  and teeth, it miraculously began to subside. Anaheim could not come fast enough…but we made it in a few hours and got to our hotel right across the street from Disney Land. I crashed on the bed after taking another dose of medication and I feel deep asleep. The nightmare was over, and as strange as it sounds the LA  air was a nice departure from the desert breath of death. I went out like a light.

I awoke the next morning and after fixing myself a bit and some meds…I was able to carry on. I thought it be good if I did not get too blitzed before we would go to get our press credentials at the convention center. I thought things could not get any stranger so early in the day, I stepped out of the hotel room for a breathe of fresh air. Oh no, yes it was happening in real life, I think. Right when I walked out the door sitting a mile away across an empty parking lot was WTF, Walleyworld! Yes from the movie…I know it was disney land but it looked like Walleyworld with the empty parking lot and everything. I was in another dimension and had to get out of there, at least during the daytime, as it was too crazy for even me to handle.

I woke up coach in a panic and said we have to leave immediately because the outside world was closing in and we’d be lucky to get out of there alive. I grabbed my suitcase made sure everything was fastened down because I did not need clinking all day as we visited the convention booths. It was all a blur but after getting our credentials we went to a reception, I think it was for Washburn and who do I see right away but Nico McBrain and he was with Frankie Banali I think, and the new singer for Iron Maiden. Anyway I went straight over to him and gave him a big man hug and said, “where have you been all my life ugly.” He laughed out loud and since we both had free beer, the party was ready to begin full swing. We got so loaded, we were knocking over potted plants and tables and chairs and people. Sounds obnoxious I know but it was Nico…that was my queue to go hog wild, funny thing is he started getting wild. We were yelling and singing…I knew every word to every Maiden song and he was impressed. Others were not…but again it was Nico and when In Rome. This went on for a few hours and we ran into Mike Inez…I think he was in Ozzy at the time…maybe AIC…I forget. I’m writing this from memory and do no fact checking so you get what I got. Mike was laying low in his leather cowboy hat…I wanted to trade my visor for it but he  would not. I was a a wild obnoxious guy in a rusty tuxedo. What did I expect.

Any way there was a piano there and Charlie Farren was there and playing elton songs and we were all singing our lungs out for a few hours till they kicked us all out of the hotel lobby. Everyone was pretty drunk and someone slipped some E into my beer. Vavoom and I was off…we went to see Greg Allman jam at an adjacent hotel and see Buckethead tear it up. He was amazing and it was still in the time period where he was wearing the KFC bucket on his head before he got attacked over copyright. The night was young and I was raring to go. As it was dark…boy does time fly, there was no sleep for me. Next thing it was morning after going from hotel room to hotel room all night and meeting people that where as crazy or crazier than me.

Well it was the next day and as I reflected on the day before, I thought there was no way it could get any crazier and I was wrong. Coach had given up and gone back to the hotel room without me last night. I found it better kicking it with Nuno Bettencourt for a while just shooting the shit about music, it was then that a girl caught my eye. She looked my way as well, so I said goodbye Nuno and got with this girl and she was real friendly. She worked for a LA newspaper and she said, “You want to go over to the convention center and see some booths as well as get passes for parties”, that would be going on that night (My sentiments exactly). At some point I ran into coach, he looked really annoyed, and I could’nt help but think ‘hey poopy pants, who is the party pooper now?’. I was having such a great time and his recommendations were going unheeded. No offence to him, so I hooked him up with Jay from White Zombie and he was able to do an interview with him so coach was happy.

Walking around the booths with my girl pal…we eventually came to an area with a lot of commotion and I asked somebody what was the attraction. Someone said that it was Pam Anderson signing autographs and Tommy Lee was with her. So who did I run into all pissed off and jonesing Nikki Sixx. It was weird because everyone was falling all over Pam and Tommy that no one seemed to recognize Nikki but me. We had a chat and he was as pissed off as I thought…Sixx sense. He was waiting for Tommy to finish with Pamela…and that seemed long off so after a sudden rush of photographers. You see when I went up to him, the photographers relized who it was and started snapping shots and that’s when he got really annoyed. So we got out of there so we could get got sorted…he was in a much better mood after that. Nikki wanted to get back with Tommy so we head back to their both and waited for them to finish.

So it was the second time running into Tommy in two weeks across state lines no less…he recognised me and we had a quick chat…after some nonsense, Tommy was a real chill guy…not edgy like Nikki. Nikki was cool too, he just had better places to be…ahem. Tommy had the “I could hang out here all day” attitude just real a sweet guy. It was as if I’d known him for years even though we had really just met. He gave me his secretary Karen’s number written on a Doc McGhee business card and said if I was ever in LA again to hit him up and “come and check out the band in the studio”. That’s how cool he was…awesome!

So there was reception after reception..I got to hang out with Jake E Lee which was a real thrill as well…super cool guy. Rock star after rock star blitzed out of my mind and coach was even happy…could it get any better. There did come a point in the day that Coach said he had some work to do and communicate with his editor. So I told him I would be fine without him as long as I stayed with my girl and not leave the confines of the convention and hotels. That was it for coach…I was on my own. We got invited to a party at someone’s crib in Malibu who will remain nameless. If you’ve ever seen the parties that they had in the movie Boogie Nights…that’s exactly what it was like. The music was loud, nude, and very very high. The party went on for three days and two nights…I was tilled! We danced and crashed and danced and swam and caught crazy sun. My girl slept in one of the many bedrooms while I rallied on.

At some point in the middle of day three she wanted  to take me to her place in Orange County. I was so numb and could barely talk, I obliged and went back to her place and slept for four days straight. I woke to her nudging me on occasion as well as a bowl of cereal here and there. When I finally woke from the stupor…she told me that she wanted me to live with her.  This was followed by trips to the sunset strip to see 311 at the Whiskey and chill out at the rainbow. Life was really good and I was well stocked with incidentals. So I did not need to leave for a few weeks. One of the best benders I’d ever had. What happened with the girl, well I said we could communicate by phone, but I never saw her again. I love LA but when I got home that time, one of my many adventures in LA over the years I took the longest shower I have ever taken in my life. Oh yeah and I returned the tux.

Braindamage Inc.

Thanks for reading my nonsense, more interesting articles to come!

Cheers and Bless Bless!

CM ☕

☠

Please do not reproduce this article either all or in part without the expressed written permission of the author who can be reached via the “Contact” section in the header menu. You may link to the article if you wish, all that we ask is that you give credit to the respective author…”Christmachine” wherever you post a link. Thank you.

Copyright © 2015 Christmachine. All Rights Reserved.

©2014 – 2020 Christmachine ☕