[REWRITE] Schitzo – Manifestation Of A Nomad…Jack Kerouac, Lowell Sun And Bastard Saint (Excerpts Part 2)…[Second Pass Edit]…

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Schitzo – Manifestation Of A Nomad…Jack Kerouac, Lowell’s Son And Bastard Saint (Excerpts Part 2)…[Second Pass Edit]… Just so people know Part 1 has not been published yet, so we’ll start here. These are excerpts from an early version of a non-fiction memoir.  Again this is a true story…the caveat being that what readers take from this may have dissenting opinions of it’s possibility to be true.  For example, some might not agree or believe in the possibility of descriptions of phenomena described herein, and see them as delusional experiences (this is key and left for the reader to decide).  Again that is the point, each reader will see these descriptions as they relate to their own personal beliefs.  It is written with the highest regard to accuracy, and is in relation to the entire story, only a small piece of what the complete story has to offer readers.  This is just a taste, and the final name of this memoir has not been completed as of the date of this being published.  Finally, the text is subject to change with subsequent rewrites.  Enjoy!

 

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Excerpt #1: Pre-Amble – 

r5768986bbSo I want to be an author, but all I could think of is what right did I have to try and be anywhere near the caliber of a wordsmith as many of the world greats that had come before me.  My writing is shit to be honest, but again it comes back to my belief that this is a long term learning process, always reaching for the sky to attain higher levels of this disciplined art.  What I do have going for me is the many experiences that have been laid out before me to explore, going deeper when there was no shovel to dig.  My fingernails are stained from the soil, my hands chaffed and cracked, dry to the bone from the rare earth and loam.

Each piece that I write is part of a specific set of exercises that I look to explore and hopefully master at some point in the future.  The most exciting part of this experiment, that will unfold right before your eyes, is that each piece is published in relation to how I feel they belong in the overall story since the start of this process.  Each piece calls to me when it is meant to be posted.  What that fully means I do not know, but something prompts my conscious mind, and lets me know that this (whatever that means at that specific moment) is what is to be published next.  Some might see it as just the human mind doing what it’s supposed to do, others may see it as a higher calling.  Maybe it is a little of both, regardless to me at least, it is an interesting look into the creative process.

 

Excerpt #2:

I had been brainstorming for weeks, months maybe, thinking so hard that my brain began to hurt.  I was in transition from being a dreamer to a thinker and it was very very hard.  I had always been a fierce dreamer, the problem being that it was taking all the brain power afforded to me.  After many years, a lifetime really, the dreaming had literally taken over all of my mind.  Even worse, is that through the years I did not even notice it.  Then at some point dreaming became so dominant that I sometimes could not tell the difference between fantasy and reality.  It was as if I lived in a cartoon or was in the throes of full fledged dissociative episode where I was often living vicariously through an outer body experience.  It was not as some have described as looking down on their body’s in a situation where they were close to death, it was for me as if my body was going through the actions pertinant to the life situation and my detached soul taking the ghostly human form, sitting right next to me as my unconscious mind had completely taken over.  My detached self was prompting my earthly self to react as if I was a character in a video game.

I was a sleeper and I loved to lucid dream where I would drift half my life away, just as I had in a previous life as an opium addict, frequenting opium dens where I would indulge and float around, never seeming to reach a complete state of sleep.  There I would explore the universe without having to get off the hard bamboo mat, where my body would lie with my mind shelved on a small pillow.  Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with an overactive imagination, obviously it is in part, absolutely vital to reaching our full potential.  At the time, more of it the better I thought.  It would help me to experience more of life with an open mind…and for the most part it did.   Having an overactive imagination opened my mind to experience all that I could, and helped me to understand and accept many things that others seem to have a hard time reconciling about the human race and the breadth of differences in people.  There was plenty of logic in there as well, which I now know I had confused to be a full fledged thought process, but logic is only a small part of a robust thinking mind.

I had come to the realization that I now had to rewire my neuronal pathways in my brain to be more of a thinker, and put the data stores in my mind to good use as there was no use for them in an overwhelmed dreaming mind.  Too many thoughts and experiences coming into brain storage and not much of that coming back out with intelligent efficiency.  Think of it like having hard disks or sets of file cabinets in your mind, and they are all overflowing with billions of separate thoughts coming and going into and out of consciousness.  There is only so much space before they begin to overflow, losing and misfiling pieces of paper or data.  At some point when these pieces of information are called forth by the conscious mind, the problem faced is that the data or files are now incomplete, corrupt, and damaged.  You can imagine the problems this would begin to cause…wait, what were we talking about, I completely lost my train of thought.

Now all that might sound foreign to some as each person’s mind learns and is wired differently, but we’ve all heard the old addage as well as the song “Don’t fall in love with a dreamer”…as well as the part about the fool.  It also happens that many people have a more healthy balance and division in their use of brainpower.  For those who do not, like me, I’m apt to say that everything happens for a reason.  If I had not developed the way I had just described, I definitely would not be writing all the things I am now.  So what might be seen as weakness, I am now flipping on it’s head (No pun intended), and turning it into a form of strength.  In the extremes, It is how many people with seemingly devastating and debilitating disabilities, forge on with heroic stamina and poise.  With all that said, we cannot forget that societal stigma tends to deny that hidden wounds and internal mental scars can be just as devastating, if not worse.

In being a dominant dreamer, I can now see how so many are held back by it’s comforting yet deceptive charm.  Also as in many cases we are not taught the difference between dreaming and thinking, that there is a huge psychological and cognitive difference.  The phenomenon is often described that the affected person cannot see the forest for the trees.  As I realize all of this, it’s like a light switch has turned on in my brain.  Spending days, months, and recently years forcing myself to brainstorm, think, and write…I can actually now, as I put pen to page, feel the physical transition and transformation taking place in my head.  The dendrites and neurons in my brain are rewiring as I speak.  I now regularly go in and out of what are commonly referred to as peak experiences, and reaching the tipping point the words come to the page like an avalanche.  I can feel the blood pumping through my veins with excitement, my body a neuro-chemical suit.  As you can imagine it is not easy mentally making that transition, I can assure you that.  There is so much to tell…I cannot get the words out fast enough…It’s going to take me a lifetime (which I do not have) to complete, but I will do my best.

 

Excerpt #3:

The people began to feel lost in the coldest and darkest period in history.  Freewill was their ball and chain and again they were frightened.  The sage began to speak, “Flung into the darkness”, the man continued…”I was given the knowledge that is available to all men and women, all you have to do is stop and listen.  My Father’s Father was a great man.  My Father’s Father’s Brother was also a great man.  They recognized and chose to focus on the hope and the possibility for good in all humanity and became proprietors for the people.”  They knew that they could bring the people great joy and that it was good.  The world had just emerged from one of the greatest threats to all humanity, the greatest war against evil, men and women had ever known.  This was not about religion, or dogma, or God…far from it as a matter of fact.  What is known is that in exchange for winning the most tumultuous war of all time, in defeating evil this time, that it had not under any circumstances been destroyed.  There were many like my family, who had great faith in mankind as well as in the trees, sun, oceans, stones, and soil.  In order for the great war to have been one, it was well known that with all good there had to great evil…thus the world was slung into the universe, and bones ground to dust.

The evil that all humans knew continued to roam the land, taking the weak to their knees as they worshipped instant gratification into a blinding obsession.  The shortsighted were once again unaware and blinded by love, roaming the earth for souls to influence and nurture…but there was a catch.  The catch being that the earth was now slightly more than fifty percent evil, and slightly less than fifty percent good, so evil forces would always have a stronger attraction than good.  The difference seems slight but but paradoxically immense and infinite.  Legend has it that Mother Nature was to watch over this split and further the wisest mind of all time.  Whatever it was that was greater than the Mother was androgynous and absent of human form, and the life and energy and the future and the past and the intersection of all things, held the universe together in a balance (ebb and flow) beyond the conception of anyone on earth.  The equation of this meticulous and benevolent balance (never quite reaching perfect equilibrium), proved order through chaos, encouraging expansive outward movement in the formation of the evolutionary space-time continuum.   The constant tension of opposing forces is key to the development of both the universe and the species.

All that the people knew was that they were naked and flawed.  They felt the urge to compete, and there were no laws.  So the people had to create laws, and although unavoidably flawed, they had to be born out of protection for people who ought not be taken advantage of.  There were many who wanted to be “Gods”, even though there was no proof that there was such a thing.  Some of these self-proclaimed “Gods” were fare and charitable.  On the other hand there were many self-proclaimed “Gods” who were miserable and yearned for more and more power.  They did not care about the people, drunk on the blood and tears on those they held influence and sought to destroy.  This was the cost of freewill.  This was not beset upon the people, the people beset it upon themselves.

The earthly gravitational microcosm was the family, and the intention was good, although flawed. There was tension, but the intention was good, although flawed.  There was learning, and the intention was good, although again flawed.  Until one day when the son of the Father’s Father felt inferior for one reason or another, and that son took the burdens of all of his family that had come before him as personal.  This son saw an opportunity to exploit a weakness, a metaphorical cancer, which he also had the choice to extinguish.  Instead of stomping it out, he let it flourish because he felt slighted and inferior.  At the time he did not distinguish it for a cancer that would grow and swell uncontrollably to magnanimous proportions, fed by the bitterness of his brothers scorn.  There were many incidents along the way which inadvertently spurned and encouraged the disease.  At some point it grew out of the control of the weaker son’s hands, the point at which he had the opportunity to stop the spread had come and gone, and he was blinded by hate.  Some of it was rational but more of it was not. This brother sadly believed that if he waited for just the right time, when no one was looking he could destroy his brother, the people however would be the real victims.  Because he was blind, he could not see beyond his brother.  If he had to spend his entire life (till his dying day) trying to destroy his sibling, he would, even if it also meant the destruction of himself as well all he held dear.

 

Excerpt #4:

One night as the scorned brother was sleeping, in his dreams he came upon a powerful force in the form of a spirit.  It was very hard to see but he knew that it was there.  He felt power and awe and riches, beyond the dreams of any man who had come before him.  He felt compelled to kneel before the force to get a better look, as it was very very dark.  Without a moments notice, as he tried to focus on the spiritual force, he realised he could see the massive enticing power before him if he kept his eyes closed.  It was then then that the dark force seemed to reach out to the scorned brother, and the powerful said to him…

I’m pleased to make your acquaintance,

We have not met before, but you always knew I was there for you.

It was before my stay in the womb that you were conceived.

Taking the position of the blind, with one exception, the ability to feel.

Is it not so quiet with so many around.

People weakened from participating in humanity.

May I touch your face as I cannot see to well?  As my fingers cross the breeze and I feel your scars…

They are smooth and rough as the result of many fine years.

With your eyes closed, is it not true that I let you see?

Does the grass not grow, as we watch, right beneath our feet?

Does the sun not feed, insatiable…Does the water not quench, parched?

It offers me a gentle and pure time, with the dearly beloved.

Wait not, come into me and I into you, let me show you the world!

And you me, know that your secrets are safe with me.

Let me do the walking as you rest, forgotten son.

As we join together in spirit, you keep what you have, and I give you the rest.

The future is yours for all eternity.

It is all about you now and forever will be.  With all of us…

 

Excerpt #5:

I found myself plastered to my bed with fear and agitation.  My musculature was tightly shaking, anchored as if taught rubber bands were wound tight around my bones.  I was in the throes of an uncontrollable full body spasm with no end in sight, grinding my teeth so tight and unable to swallow.  Burying my face into my pillow, I tried to meditate to calm my nerves which were exploding with sharp pains as if I was lying on a plywood bed of nails.  Parts of my extremities were falling asleep and waking with no warning, just as one feels when they get pins and needles in a foot or arm from pinched nerves.  Sweat leaked from my pores, although there was no sign of fever, it was in a word brutal.  I did not know how long i could keep this up as my mind was anxiously suggesting that I was going completely insane.

I was lying in a bed next to the nurses station and there was only one incandescent light in that area with a single nurse doing paperwork.  The room was otherwise completely dark and as my eyes were adjusted to the darkness, I could see thirty other beds in the same room all full with patients, many writhing in different states of insanity.  Some were vomiting and others were screaming out loud in all kinds of noisy agony, the nurse just sat there as if this was normal. The large room was only separated by the warm humid outside air by large screens and there was no breeze.  I was hoping upon deception that a cool breeze would pass over my body, but it was not to be.  Out in the yard, in plain sight, there was an extremely large industrial size bug zapper where hundreds of mosquitoes and moths were electrocuted with every passing moment.  With the constant biological genocide before me,  I found myself wishing to be in their place…just kill me and put me out of my misery.  I thought to myself that if there was a hell, this would surely be it.

My mind began to wander aimlessly, I was not being kept there against my will…mulling over the idea that I could just walk out the main screen door not far from where I was interned at any time.  Then the reality of the situation would hit…where would I go?  It was quite feasable and a bit calming to think that I would probably feel better just getting this out of my system, running off into the black night screaming my head off until I fell to the ground in complete exhaustion.  The problem was that I did not have the energy to make this happen, exhausted from my hopeless quivering corpse. There was a clock on the far wall that would unervingly tick tick tick, every deafening second heard through the cries of despair and agony…every single moment felt like hours.

It was then that I realized, with nothing left in the tank, that before I had come to this godawful place that my father had given me a set of brand new rosary beads in a small leather pouch.  They were in a drawer right near were my head was situated, but I was convinced at what help would they give…none, I’m sure.  As I began to choke on the frothing saliva from my mouth and nose, I suddenly felt compelled to go for the beads.  I removed the beads from the pouch and grasped them tight enough to rip them apart. After wrapping them a few times around each hand, the crucifix fell into the palm of my hands surreptitiously, as if that was the place it was supposed to be.  Also inside the pouch was a small piece of folded glossy paper with prayers and a step by step method on how to use the beads. The instructions indicated what sections of the beads corresponded to each of the individual stations of the cross.  I was not the praying type and did not even know if I believed in any God.  Having no place to go and seeing no harm in attempting to just say the words and go through the motions, even if it only meant helping me to pass the time, anything to ride out this physically emotional and psychological trauma.

The one light in the background of the nurses station helped me to just make out the words on the paper now unfolded and laid out before me.  I first said an opening prayer as instructed, and then began to go through the stations of the cross one by one…it was unintelligible, choppy, and manic, but I soldiered on.  I would forget where I was and lose my spot as I mechanically moved the beads through my wiry shaking fingers.  I found myself tentatively re-reading passages and sentences over and over as I made my way through the process.  Sweat dripping from my hands and forehead, acidic fluid that upon contact with the print on the glossy instructions, rendered the words illegible. As I was doing all of this, I simultaneously was pleading with the universe to please let this pass, please-please-please let this pass.

At some point a few minutes later the shaking began to wane somewhat.  I was ecstatic that just faking it and going through the motions was working.  Suddenly stunned into a kind of stasis, In the air above the other patients right before my eyes, appeared what looked to be a hologram but it was more real than that.  There in an almost indescribable full range of color and motion, appeared a perfectly symmetrical apparition several feet wide.  At first there were several wrapped layers of green interwoven prickled thorn strands, wrapped around a beating heart that had flames shooting out the aortic canal at the crest.  About two feet on each side of the wreath of rotating thorns, the ether seemed to produce a moving universe where time and space were flowing towards but not fully reaching me.  My eyes no longer welded closed, then witnessed a woman appear above the heart in full color, while all the imagery that I just described was in constant motion all around her.  I had to be hallucinating this I thought, but I’ve never hallucinated without drugs before.  Anyway I continued to experience this phenomena as it was quite amazing and in turn began to calm my wretched frame. The woman looked only to what I could recognize as Mary the Mother of Jesus, seated and draped in a blue and white separated headdress and full body shawl, while the flames from the aortic valve flashed in her lap. She had a slight ethereal white halo rotating around her head.

All around her were what I recognized too be visions of men and women saints (if you believe in that sort of thing) and androgynous angels coming and going, propping her up in the air as I just lay there plussed. At some point her lips began to move but there was no auditory projection, nonetheless I somehow knew what she was indicating…that ‘I had to make a choice’.  As soon as I realized this, I could see what I can only describe as the ‘forces of light’ situated to her right side.  For some reason I equated this ‘welcoming force’ with the presence of ‘Jesus’ although there was no sight of what I could impossibly perceive to be ‘his’ likeness.  I actually felt a calm bliss with the ‘forces of light and ‘peace’.  Simultaneously on her left side was also only what I can describe as the ‘forces of darkness’. Similarly there was no ‘demon or satan’ but the  ‘impression was put upon me’ that they were there in the same way that ‘The Son Of God’ was there on the opposite side.  From the ‘dark forces’, I felt ‘power and strength greater than I had ever known’, and it sent shivers up my spine and riddled goosebumps all over my skin.  There were no more words, but the side with the ‘dark forces’ was the only side trying to ‘make its case to coax, convey, and convince me to come to their side’.  It was ‘implied’ that the ‘world would be mine…power and riches beyond my dreams, no more room for pain, and eternal glory’.  Focussing back on the side with the ‘good forces’, there was no hard sell and no promises, but ‘calm, peace, and eternal life’.

As I gripped the rosary tight, I thought to myself I have to make a leap, I had to make a choice (well really I did not have to, but I did anyway), even if it was going through the motions as I said before.  I checked to make sure I was not dreaming…but I was wide awake.  I always could tell when I was in a dreaming state and I was surely WIDE AWAKE!  So I made my decision and ‘click’ everything went black and all the pain and shaking stopped.  As I lay there for a moment, I felt a rush of adrenaline and power.  I wanted to yell out what had just happened or tell the nurse but I was rendered small, minute, and humbled.

Next thing I know I was suddenly stunned and shocked awake in a pool of sweaty white sheets.  The clock on the far wall revealed it was early afternoon the next day.  Exactly twelve hours later from 2 a.m. when the visions occured…I was covered in itchy hives and the clock read 2 p.m.

 

 

Thanks for reading and for all your kind words and support!

More Interesting Articles and Reviews to come.

Cheers and Bless!

 

CM ☕

 

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My Experience: Nirvana ~ The 2 Days Punk Went Mainstream…& My Time W/ Kurt Cobain

Today Up On Christmachine Audio Reference Music Server :

 

 

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My Experience: Nirvana ~ The 2 Days Punk Went Mainstream…& My Time W/ Kurt Cobain

 

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Photo Courtesy Of Doc!

Many of you know by now from previous posts, how I was involved in the music industry so I am not going to go over all that again. If you are new and you would like to know then you can read a lot of posts on just this subject from the last few months at this website. Many more of these will be presented here over time and I hope you get some enjoyment in reading them. This one in particular has been painful to reexamine but I am looking at it as a sort of catharsis, and a way to organize my emotions that have been quite tangled over the years just thinking about it. I was affected by it, and I don’t know how far I will go to explain why.

I have fought my emotions over and over as to whether I should publish this for two reasons; I did not want to write about someone who became a mega cult figure in the world of music just to gain readers, and two for a long time I thought I should let sleeping dogs lie. There are portions of this story that I was aware, and in the middle of, that have caused major shit storms in the media in the past and a lot of people were hurt emotionally. I will have to walk a fine line here so as to not sensationalize this piece, meaning that some things will be spoken of in generalities where people will know what I am talking about, and also may have to leave some specific details out as they are just dirt and have been well covered by the mainstream press.

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My experience of the two days punk went mainstream took place in three small clubs in Boston in the fall of 1991, where the first show on a Monday in late September was in every sense of the word pre-punk mainstream and the next day literally “Oh well whatever, Nevermind”. I decided to write about my experience as an ode and a sad goodbye to my cultural guide for many years, a free weekly entertainment and lifestyle paper which served as my source of news (The Boston Phoenix), and a farewell to it’s sister radio station 101.7 FM WFNX Boston.  This week the final issue was sent to press and the word came down, even as a surprise to workers, that the complete media group would be shutting down for good after a decade of trying to reorganize to save the iconic presence that it held in the difficult media space that we find ourselves in. Ladies and gentlemen this is the death of not only an era for Boston but more importantly the continuation in an age of 092391.0003superficiality that has been brewing for a long time. As Holden Caufield would say we live in a phony time.

I find it akin to Nirvana and all the other great bands at that time wiping the slate clean of decadence and bringing with it heroin chic and doom and gloom. None of the bands were at fault as we know that music in any time period is a reflection of the society as we know it  If the 80’s were all about fun and excess, then the 90’s were about introspection and cutting the fat. Both era’s felt really powerful and exciting, while at the same time courting death as if it was an old friend on standby just waiting to fill the void. The big difference was that in the 80’s seemed without consequence, where the 90’s were all about celebrating the damage that had already been done. They were both thrillingly dangerous coupled with the excitement of endless possibilities. Now the danger has accelerated to  a new level of pharmaceutical purity and as I said a disconnect of virtual 092391.0002superficiality where everyone is a “rockstar” whether everyone else around you knows it or not. It takes “fake it till you make it”, to new levels of obscenity and vulgarity.

So Nirvana was coming to town from Canada and they arrived on September 22, 1991 (the day prior the WFNX Party but were not present at the clubs that I knew of until the next day), they had played a show in Montreal the night before. The reason that Nirvana was coming to town was a result of a number of serendipitous reasons as well as some hard work by a DJ at the local alternative radio station in Boston WFNX. It just so happened that Nirvana had Boston on their minds inadvertently for a long time as big fans of the amazing Boston band The Pixies. Second WFNX was one of the few radio stations that was playing Nirvana early on, well before they were famous. WFNX happened to hold 092391.0004a birthday bash every year where all the clubs on Lansdowne Street hosted up and coming bands as well as some headliners that were on the verge of some trajectory of stardom.

I think the DJ at WFNX I am referring to was Kurt St. John, he ended up doing some interviews with Nirvana (Not the one live on air done at this party) but a few which would be the first, if not only, CD interview with the band released officially by Nirvana’s Label. Earlier in the summer of 1991 St. John basically begged  Nirvana management to play the WFNX birthday bash in September 1991. After some wrangling and persistence by St. John he convinced them to agree to Headline the party at Club Axis. At this time Nirvana only had the album “Bleach” out, as well some singles that would eventually end up on “Incesticide”. A few people had advance promo copies of Nevermind (WFNX being one of them) on cassette and probably CD and I seem to remember hearing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” played on WFNX in the afterhours, at the time 61EZcegYhCL._SY300_not knowing exactly who it was. I had already seen Nirvana play once before with Chad, and it was also the first time I met Kurt…we finished off a bottle of my …. ….. Not proud of it but it happened.

So when I heard they were coming to town for the WFNX bash, I was excited but I had no idea. I had seen many bands that got my attention early on and after they had received some commercial success only to fizzle out or just maintain a cult following…so this was how I imagined it would go as well. I was going or working at every show I could any day of the week because it was essential to me to hear the latest and the greatest of what was to come. Because I was around the clubs most of the day in the preparation stages of setting up and on days like the WFNX Birthday…officials from the record labels as well as radio representatives would be there along with members of the crew and the bands. Being in this position I saw almost everyone that was coming or going throughout the day.

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This was the point where the sound engineers would be consulting with the bands as to what the they required for setup for them to play. Amplifiers, guitars, drums, etc. were brought into the clubs. Each club had it’s own security and crew setting up for the evening festivities. One thing that was different this night is that Nirvana was going to be performing a sort of record release night. The night of the WFNX bash was the day before the release of “Nevermind” and of course few if anyone knew what was about to happen ( at least how big ). On days like this there was always a heady excitement in the air…so I look back and remember that I recognized it was to be special night as everyone was running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

At some point in the late afternoon Smashing Pumpkins arrived as did Nirvana and the other two bands that were opening that night, it was the first time seeing their new drummer Dave. Kurt was with his “girlfriend” at least I thought it was his girlfriend she was around the whole two days and they seemed more than just friends. I did not give any more attention to it friend or girlfriend, they were close I’ll put it that way. So Nirvana did their sound check and they tore the roof off…I thought holy shit, I don’t remember them being this good. I do remember thinking their new drummer hit the skins as hard as John Bonham…no joke he was that good. Soon after their sound check I ran into Kurt and he remembered who I was because he walked up to me and I said something like…’The new drummer holy shit.’ Kurt replied…”That’s Dave he’s great”. I said I’ll be around for the duration if you guys need anything just let me know. Kurt said “Thanks, I’ll see you later.” I then went to get dinner on Boylston Street and stopped by Tower Records and I knew someone who worked there and after telling him I was going to the Nirvana show that night and I can’t wait to get the new album. He said I have something for you…he gave me the “Nevermind” cassette without a cover or artwork, I was on cloud nine to say the least. After a quick meal it was back to Lansdowne for the night.

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The best thing I remember about the two days was just being around to take it all in(I know that sounds camp)…I look back on it now and I remember bumping into Kurt several times over the two days and having a smoke. He was very shy but personable. At one point he seemed to put me in a psych corner, asking me what music I listened to. I told him everything from Metal to Classical to Jazz and Punk. He said something about “Macho”. I was not shy and I told him “I Fucking hate Machismo…” I said ‘I joke about the Men Men Men thing, but I get along better with women than men. Not in a sexual way, I have a lot of girls that are friends, more than guys. I know it sounds cliche but I remember having short chat about gays as well because I worked at the gay nights although I was not gay (not that it mattered anyway but that’s how it came up), I’m comfortable in my sexuality.’ (I said with a smile) Kurt was like ok, smirking “I get it” as if a tip to calm down. I remember vividly thinking he’s probably going to ditch me now. He did not, we just had a smoke and I remember him also saying to me “Boston is a great city.” He was always on the move and had a lot of people shuffling him around. So I had chats with him when we found ourselves standing near each other off and on over the next two days.

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Kurt wasn’t around a lot…I found out later that he was hanging out with his girlfriend, would’nt you do the same. Dave and Krist were around most of the time doing promotional stuff. I found it funny that Kurt just ditched it. Of course what we know of Nirvana now it 092391.19was not a stretch to see Kurt disappear on all the phonies. Krist and Dave were funny to watch and were constantly joking around. When Kurt was around he was selectively responsive and short in conversation with others in an ironic way. Depending on who he was talking to he could switch right into sweet and kind mode. It was interesting just watching him talk to people, he seemed to have a very active intuition about people…he would take in the vibe and then return with a similar response on a dime. He was definitely an interesting person, and as I found a joy to be around.

Now to logistics, if you’ve ever been to Axis you would know there really is not any backstage, just a small area to the side of the stage House Right Stage Left speaker avalonaxis 11 lstacks. There is a door there that leads to a fenced in alley between what was then Axis and Club Venus De Milo. This is were people would hang out and smoke or catch a breath of fresh air. The backstage for Axis was either the second floor up one of two stairwells as well as a door that led to a room off the second floor above the stage of Avalon Club. The bands, crew, and security would wander between the three clubs as food was being served. A while later they did an on air interview with WFNX which I did not see, but then they went onto the stage at Bill’s Bar and MTV was there where they filmed all the bands playing Crisco Twister. Krist was the most outgoing slathering himself up in Crisco (See Video). Kurt, Dave, James Iha, and Billy Corgan jumped in as well.

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Next was the show for the first night, I heard the Smashing Pumpkins go on so I went in the side door. They were amazing but way too short. Bullet Lavoltta was great as well…at that point I was really excited for Nirvana the place was sweaty and packed! The crowd was like the tide going in and out, undulating to the beats and harmonies. Axis Club which 092391.16was a black hole (even when empty and the lights on) and smelled of piss and rubber latex, but that night had turned into a black mass. The altar on which legends are made, and the crowd was lovingly violent. The floor in front of the stage only held several hundred people and all the wings were standing room only. I remember thinking why did they not have this at Avalon. I didn’t go on about it because I was in…I did wonder how many of the masses of people lined up down the street got in. There were three shows going on at once, one at Venus, one at Axis, and one at Avalon. How it would work is, you had to get into the club you wanted early because if one was full, as Axis was, you could wait for people to leave or go to one of the other clubs. In this case that meant being shut out and have to settle with another venue.

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I remember talking to people later on that had no idea who Nirvana was and went to the other clubs instead. Major fail, as we say today. It took a while for Nirvana to go on and when they did it was just Dave and Krist…Kurt came a bit later, it seemed like forever.  When they ripped into their first song, the place went absolutely mental. The songs that stood out for me were, Drain You, “Jesus Don’t want me for a sunbeam” (their first known performance of this) and “Rape Me” which would not be out for a few more years on “In Utero”. I was mesmerized and in love, all the talk was that this band was going to be huge. Now thinking back it reminds me of how Lemmy of Motorhead described what it was like before and after rock and roll. Lemmy said somewhere that he ‘remembers what it was like before Rock and Roll’. All there was and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘was your mothers Rosemary Clooney Records, then all of a sudden there was Elvis, Little Richard, and Jerry Lee Lewis.’ When I heard him say this all I could think of was these Nirvana shows. Exactly how it felt…there was before and after, like a demarcation in time, as if that time had stopped for a while and then started again. Everything was somehow different. I’m not trying to be dramatic here, it’s just how it was.

Nirvana: Live at the Axis Nightclub – September 23, 1991
Intro
Aneurysm
Drain You
School
Smells Like Teen Spirit
Come As You Are
Sliver
Jesus Don’t Want Me For A Sunbeam
Floyd The Barber
Polly
About A Girl
Breed
Rape Me
Blew
Been A Son
Negative Creep

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After the show was over I was pretty hopped up so I went to a friends house that was having a late night party. When I got there I told people what I had just witnessed and I said you have to hear their new album…so I put the cassette in a boom box and played “Nevermind” in full. The reaction was negative from everyone, I think the words used was, “hated it” and this was a crowd into new and heavy music. I was stunned, they did not get it. It’s safe to say that a month later they were all listening to “Nevermind” on repeat. I never mentioned the cold greeting it got when I first played it that night. Not only that I did not pursue any of them to go the next day to the second show as a result of their reaction. So I got fired up that night on chemicals, alcohol, and my beloved cough syrup. What a blur!

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Photo Courtesy of Doc! Oh Well, Whatever, NEVERMIND!

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Woke up the next day early afternoon and shook off the cobwebs and head back to Lansdowne for the second early show. They had decided to add another show that day September 24, 1991 because the first show was 21+ this way younger people could get in. It really seemed like everyone in the band was having a great time here in Boston. I was quite proud of that. That Boston could stand tall against bigger markets in terms of music quality, with top shelf audio engineers, crew, and staff second to none.

Again it was another blowout  It was magnificent, the sets were a little different, on order especially. The standouts were Come As You Are, .Breed, Pennyroyal Tea, and my favorite song Dive. I only remember the setlist because I have the recordings of these shows. Thank God someone realized that this was history in the making and knew to record it. I’ve recorded some great shows as well but this was before my rogue recording career was in full swing.

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Nirvana: Live at the Axis Nightclub – September 24, 1991

Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam
Drain You
Floyd The Barber
Sliver
Smells Like Teen Spirit
Come As You Are
Breed
About A Girl
Satisfaction
Territorial Pissings
Pennyroyal Tea
School
Blew
Negative Creep
Been A Son
Dive

When It was all over it really took years to sink in as to how great that moment was. Now I am able to look at it with a smile. Nirvana was not on my mind, although I do remember thinking it would be great to see them again. So when I was in the UK the next year I saw them at the Reading Festival…I was now just a face in a crowd of hundreds of thousands it was weird but still fun. The thoughts of the guys in Nirvana just walking around unknown, flashed in my memory and now this. OMG! My next recollection in regard to this time that would cause me to sink into the very lowest point in my life. It was April of 1994 and I was driving through Kenmore Square in Boston, and I heard over the radio that Kurt had died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. I went into a trance it seemed, like I had been punched in the gut. I almost got in an accident pulling over to the side of the road in busy traffic. I was gutted.

The next few days I reflected on my life what was important family, etc…and I had a mean drug habit as well. This is why it was so hard to even begin this piece. I was one of the lucky one’s. I was able to clean up quite fast, still at such a young age, and sad to say that it had to take something like this to happen. I probably would have straightened out eventually anyway…it was in my thoughts already. I was using hard and not getting high anymore no matter how much I tried, I think what saved me was that I never hit the needle. Too many of my friends are dead from guns and drugs so much pain for the families left behind…so much freaking wreckage!

There seems to be a cult following of Kurt today and he was not a superstar first, he was not a God, he was just a person. Nirvana was really something special and for a moment in time it felt like we could fly….Two for the ages!

 

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Up the Irons, Droogies! 🙂

 

Thanks, as always, for your support.

RIP~ Tommy Ramone!

 

Enjoy, more interesting articles to come!

Cheers and Bless Bless!

 

CM ☕

 

 

Please do not reproduce this article either all or in part without the expressed written permission of the author who can be reached via the “Contact” section in the header menu. You may link to the article if you wish, all that we ask is that you give credit to the respective author…”Christmachine” wherever you post a link. Thank you.

 

 

 

Copyright © 2015 Christmachine. All Rights Reserved.

©2014 – 2020 Christmachine

 

Playlist #4 is up, Greatest Moments Series, Mr. Soul and His Archive, and other assorted…

Today we have several new items up…

Egypt Revolution

Reviews for individual albums or sets will be posted HERE but daily playlists will be posted in the Playlist Feed Blog. Again you can access it from the “PLAYLIST” button in the header menu below the “HOME” button. Or you can get there using the links below.

New Videos & New Playlist…[Direct Link / Portal to the other side of this site…

First we have Playlist #4 up:

http://playlists.christmachine.com/christmachine/christmachine-audio-reference-music-server-playlist-4/

The Greatest Moments in Rock and Roll History Series #1 ~ Queen and Freddie Mercury Live @ Wembley Arena (25 mins.)
Sorry I posted the wrong link at the Pono feed…this is the right one, considered by many to be one of the greatest live performances ever.

http://playlists.christmachine.com/youtube/one-of-the-greatest-moments-in-rock-and-roll-history-queen-and-freddie-mercury-live-wembley-in-1985-video/

6876poThe Archive of Mr. Soul ~ The most amazing and sad video at the same time ~ http://playlists.christmachine.com/vinyl/the-archive-the-most-amazing-and-sad-video-at-the-same-time-dir-sean-dunne-usa-2008/

Marty Friedman being the guitar virtuoso he is ~ playing “Devil Take Tomorrow” live @ NAMM 2014 ~ http://playlists.christmachine.com/youtube/namm-2014-marty-friedman-live-at-bossroland-part-1-gear-guitar-gods/

The Greatest Moments in Rock and Roll History Series #2 ~ Video of Pink Floyd
When Pigs Fly…Pigs Have Flown
http://playlists.christmachine.com/youtube/the-greatest-moments-in-rock-and-roll-history-series-2-pink-floyd-1-show-reunion-at-live-8-july-2-2005-when-pigs-fly-pigs-have-flown-video/

Last but not least…

The Record Collector and Audio Snob…[Video] ~ This is what an audio snob is like, you will turn into this if you believe ‘People that listen to vinyl are better than people who don’t listen to vinyl because they listen to vinyl’…8]

http://playlists.christmachine.com/vinyl/the-record-collector-and-audio-snob-video/

k14Enjoy, and please come back soon for some interesting articles to come!

Cheers and Bless Bless!

CM ☕

 

 

 

 

Please do not reproduce this article either all or in part without the expressed written permission of the author who can be reached via the “Contact” section in the header menu. You may link to the article if you wish, all that we ask is that you give credit to the respective author…”Christmachine” wherever you post a link. Thank you.

 

 

Copyright © 2015 Christmachine. All Rights Reserved.

©2014 – 2020 Christmachine

Playlist #1 is up [Direct Link]….

5970_1187528283927_4628779_nReviews for individual albums or sets will be posted HERE but daily playlists will be posted in the Playlist Feed Blog. Again you can access it from the “PLAYLIST” button in the header menu below the “HOME” button. Here’s the direct link….

http://playlists.christmachine.com/zero-7/christmachine-audio-reference-music-server-playlist-1/

 

Lot to come in these blogs now that I just got the websites up and running. Email me in contacts if you find downtime or for any other problems.

New Video posted here:

http://playlists.christmachine.com/leonard-cohen/priest-sings-amazing-rendition-of-halleluja-by-leonard-cohen-in-church/

Cheers and Bless Bless!

CM

 

Please do not reproduce this article either all or in part without the expressed written permission of the author who can be reached via the “Contact” section in the header menu. You may link to the article if you wish, all that we ask is that you give credit to the respective author…”Christmachine” wherever you post a link. Thank you.

 

 

Copyright © 2015 Christmachine. All Rights Reserved.

©2014 – 2020 Christmachine