As I disembarked from the airplane I was on full. I just wanted to get my luggage and get away from this neutered artificial reality. I figured it was best to blend in around the Slots in the airport lounge. We had spent most of our money on potent incidentals because that was more important than getting to our location. My Life Coach thought it best that we immediately get a “free ride” to Fremont street from the airport to our hotel. We were staying at the palatial Binion’s Horseshoe Hotel. You know the place with a million dollars in cash sitting in the lobby and had a strict “Leave Your Guns At The Door Policy”. The problem was that our hotel did not have a shuttle service from the airport but my Coach was not worried. He just said we’ll get our free ride from the Golden Nugget across the street. I was confused but he was my life coach after all and there would be hell to pay if he got it wrong.
So Coach got on the courtesy phone by the slots and ordered our ride to the Golden Nugget. Still I was confused, but what seemed like forever we finally saw the mini van pull up. After loading the luggage, we were on our way. When we got to the nugget Coach gave the driver a fiver for a tip and we entered the hotel lobby. Coach whispered to me “Just follow my lead.” We walked up to the check in desk and although I was nervous there was no going back now. Coach opened his electronic organizer and said to the desk clerk as our baggage, now on a rolling cart was placed beside us, “Ma’am I would like to book five nights here at your hotel next month.” He continued on saying, ” My editor will be calling to confirm and pay for these days within the next couple of hours.” She obliged and made sure the dates were correct, finishing by saying, “Would you gentlemen like to take advantage of our breakfast this morning.” Coach replied in the affirmative.
We left our bags with the concierge and although I was not the bit interested in food as we had been awake for as long as I could remember. I did partake in a piece of hot bacon and a dip in the pool in my underwear. It was still early in the day and there was no one around thank God. We would have been booted for sure. After gathering our things we walked across the street to our hotel so we could finally get shelter from the hot morning sun. We were in Vegas for the week for C.E.S., scheduled to go on to NAMM in Anaheim the following week. Well we checked into the Horseshoe and right when I got to my room I could not help but freak out.
I emptied my pockets onto my bed, cash, a variety of incidentals, several pharmaceutical bottles, a visitor guide, a toothbrush, and a comb. Coach backed into the corner as I began to run around the hotel room screaming at the top of my lungs. “What am I going to do”, “How will I survive this viscous reality”. I did this for a few minutes until I could feel Coach grab me, throw me onto the floor and shove into my face a bottle of Alkyl Nitrite’s. I immediately got dizzy as I could feel the blood pumping through my veins into my brain.
I was sedated and handed my morning dose of medication which I took down like any good person would. As I turned over the room was spinning like vertigo, but now I was calm. Coach began to explain to me that as it was my first time to the Glitter Gulch, that he recommended that If I follow his advice everything would be fine. I think I passed out for a few hours only to wake up to coach listening with headphones to his Disc Man and dancing with four girls around the room. They were dancing and laughing to the music that bled cranked from his cans. As I head to the mini bar I asked Coach what the hell was going on…he said he was dancing and that if I wanted to prove not to be a party pooper I should dance too.
My head was pounding but soon that was relieved, better living through chemistry I thought. What would we do without analogues, I was utterly indebted to Mister S. So after fixing my face I went into the bathroom…but there was a mirror on the wall and that was not good. How could I be so stupid and forget about the damn mirror on the wall, most bathrooms have them. Oh sure you think what’s the big deal, well only that my nose was coming out of my bellybutton. I splashed some water on my face from the shower, fixed my face, and said to myself that I could do this I just had to give myself a chance.
It was time to head to the convention center to have some business cards made up by an automated self service machine that spit out 100 business cards on the spot containing anything that you wanted on them. The reason for these was that in order to get into the convention for free with press credentials I had to have official business cards. This was why I kept Coach around, not only did he keep me in line but he had every little angle sorted out way ahead of time. I was new to all of this so I would not have been able to do it without him. That’s what he was paid for and he was the best at it. I could not have done any better.
Now picture this, all of the shenanigans that previously been encountered were done while wearing a tuxedo…yes I said it…a tuxedo….like at a wedding. I looked like a penguin with road maps for eyes. I was dressed to kill but I was disheveled none the less. Coach said in order to get respect from people you had to be dressed for success. With tops and tails, at this point I had already lost the top hat….I thought it looked stupid on me anyway, but Coach wore his with flying colors. Well he was in charge if it was up to me this whole adventure would have been long over by now.
After getting our credentials we decided to head to the Press luncheon…every day there were free lunches and dinners for us, members of the press were treated well with sponsored meals by the big audio manufacturers. Today was provided by Shure audio components. All the big wigs were there, I was like a fish out of water at first but soon got into the vibe and went along as I was handed live microphones to try out. Yes ladies and gentle furs Karaoke from hell and I was tapped to sing because Coach just had to tell everyone that I was a vocalist. Now I must tell you that I hate…did I say hate Karaoke!!! Yes I put my manhood between my crotch and belted out my rendition of Purple Rain. Then Ramblin’ Man, Breaking the law, and Metallica’s Trapped under Ice. Let me tell you I blew those Karaoke muther F’ers away. I finished by throwing the mic in the air and it landed on the stage with a thump just like Axl Rose does. They had taken advantage of me…my weakness, complete and utter love for absurdity.
I left the ballroom humiliated but then I saw that the adult film expo was in full swing I had to check the legendary event out for myself. I did not know what I was in for. It was being held in the old Sahara hotel and casino and as you can figure, it was the most crowded and popular event. As I entered the ballroom the first thing I saw was an Amazonian woman on top of tables chained to a wall with red palm prints all over her backside as everyone that entered the exhibition was to walk up to her and slap her behind before entering. I was horrified!!! The thing was either she really liked it or really new how to act. That was not for me as I was not a fan of degrading women in any way. I made a B line for the bustle of the crowd to get the hell out of there.
Now as I said I am not into degrading women but I would soon come to find this was not just bout naked women but naked men being promiscuous as well. It was, other than the initial impression when I walked in, equal opportunity. Ron Jeremy was there with all the famous Porn stars like Janine Lindemulder and Jenna Jamieson. There were cages where sexual acts were being performed in front of audiences. If this did not sober someone up nothing would. What I was witnessing was insane…I cannot begin to describe, you know what you see on video today…well they were doing it live.
Tommy Lee was there with two girls under his arms, as was Drew Carrey, and Penn and Teller. I forget who else but there were a lot of stars there, and everyone was getting wasted at one in the afternoon and not just soft drugs….everything right out in the open. It was the wild west and anything went. I went from P0rn Star to P0rn Star meeting them all and getting pictures and autographs on glossies that each entertainer handed out. Yes I have the pictures and glossies to prove it over a hundred of them. This was in the early 90’s so I was using a manual camera. Sometime I will scan them all and post them in a gallery here.
There was a rock band playing in the corner and they were doing covers of strip joint standards like Girls Girls Girls. Large glass tables with mounds of rocks of cocaine were on display for people to partake. I’m not talking 8 balls here kids, I’m talking Rolling Stones size cocaine as in a kilo. It was the most I’ve seen in my life…I was blown away. I learned that you could put this substance in just about every orifice possible to get high…no not me, in them. As I say to people of these types of experiences, welcome to mars.
Now you might be saying why on earth would you post this…it has very little if at all to music. Well as I posted silly rabbits, that this was just day one of the convention in Vegas, and Part One. Part Two will be on my adventures at the famous NAMM convention in Anaheim the following week. There was plenty of music at that event, I felt it best to set the stage of my trip in Vegas and the west coast. So stick around to see how that went.
Please do not reproduce this article either all or in part without the expressed written permission of the author who can be reached via the “Contact” section in the header menu. You may link to the article if you wish, all that we ask is that you give credit to the respective author…”Christmachine” wherever you post a link. Thank you.
Copyright © 2015 Christmachine. All Rights Reserved.
©2014 – 2020 Christmachine ☕